i shouldn't have to do the dishes to get sex from you.
i only worked the whole week so i could pay the huge bill that YOU racked up!!
i shouldn't have spent my only day off this week cleaning up a huge mess on my own.
what did you do? yea, you picked up stuff in the bedroom, but that's it.
i did dishes, helped you with washing, cleaned up after dinner. and you think it's alright just to roll over and be a bitch about it saying that it's not your fault. well fuck you.

i love you, but i'm not here to be used. today, asking me for my savings made me so angry. i know you've helped me out a lot in the past, but asking straight out "can i use your savings..."

i still have a shit load of presents to buy and you had 2, 1 now....i know you're going to pay me back, but are you going to do it next week? i'll be getting $400, you'll get $450...$84 will go to me so that will leave you with $366. Oh, did i forget that rent from you is $150 + the bill you racked up at $112 + whatever food we're going to buy, so call it $20 from you...that leaves you with $84...oh and sorry, this week i thought we were going to go to porirua. looks like you won't be able to afford what you wanted from up there.

i've been pushing you to save for this very reason. i had $210 saved a couple of weeks ago and it went so quickly...why? because you decided we should have takeaways every night pretty much. i have nothing. and now i've managed to save up $95 which you've just gone and taken. yea, i owe you $10...but still. i've been trying so hard and now i have nothing.

unlike you, there are things in life that i'd like to do. i want a car. i want to have my restricted by july next year. i want to go over seas for a holiday. i have to have my teeth repaired again. i earn so much less than you and its not fair. all you do is car when i tell you this, but you have no idea how much it's ripping me up inside. i needed to vent.

love me back and stop taking my money :(

So I just found out today that my 11 year old sister has been cutting herself.

Why?

Because she is being harassed for being too fat.

Does she honestly look fat?
Is she honestly that ugly?

I don't see anything wrong with her. So why is she being bullied? It's not fair.

I keep reading these OMG confession things on facebook and it really gets to me so I'm going to confess EVERYTHING on my mind right now.

1. I'm scared I have an eating disorder. For the last week I haven't been eating properly. Barely eating at all really. Even a cup of water makes me full. Sometimes I think about making myself sick because I feel so disgusting. I haven't yet, and I'm trying to keep eating. 
2. I'm over waiting. We've been in a relationship for 2 years now. In the last year I've had sex twice. I often thinking about cheating on you purely for pleasure. But I can't. I can't do the one thing I fear you doing to me. So I'm just going to keep waiting. It sucks.
3. I'm sick of being treated like a dumb bitch. So what, I dropped outta school, I haven't studied, I work at McDonald's. I'm not dumb, I just choose to ignore those who treat me with disrespect.
4. I am NOT needy. No one knows me. You fuckers don't even know what I went through when I was younger, so excuse me for isolating myself when my only friend is talking to you. She's the only one that knows me. She's the only one I really open up to. So fuck off. I won't come back next year, I'm sick of all your shit.
5. I want to have a kid. Now. I don't want to wait to see if I have complications or not. I want a kid. 
6. I just want to go on holiday. I haven't had a holiday in nearly 2 years. Going to Auckland for Taylor Swift wasn't exactly a holiday. Had to spend it NOT with MY family. Spent 2 of the 3 days on a bus. Didn't get to go where I wanted. 

saw it pop up on my tumblr.

"losing my virginity to someone i was in love with"

i'm never going to know what that feels like now. the one thing i regret in life. why was i so dumb.

you say that you don't hate him anymore.
you're talking about him more.
you're falling for him again.

all i keep seeing is my friends getting pregnant and now some are even popping them out and it makes me sad. :( i don't like this. you're all the same age as me....and i'm just an infertile lesbian who wants one kid. i have to make up for this with getting a cat. and even then, the landlord still hasn't given us approval as to whether we're allowed one. i just wish my body and mind weren't so fucked. :(

recently there has been light on a suicide of a girl only a few years younger than me. she was bullied for showing her tits. i don't get it though. she was pretty. she was the kinda chick i'd envy, the one i wanted to be. but i guess, that would have been her way of covering up the fact that she was alone. that she needed a friend to hug her and tell her everything was going to be alright. but she didn't. she didn't have anyone, so she hung herself.
i feel awful for this girl. i understand what it's like to be bullied constantly. i know how it feels to not want to live. i know the pain of being alone when you feel like this. i understand it all. i didn't even know this girl, but i feel like i wish i could have been there for her when she was alone. this makes me value my life so much more.
i still get the urges to harm myself when i get upset. some days i just want to pop pills and drink in the hopes that i never wake up again. actually, they're not even urges. i feel like this day in day out. i'm not happy and i haven't been for a long time. but i don't want to be selfish. i want to live with the hopes that one day, maybe my life might turn out right. that maybe i'll be happy again. i feel sorry for this girl, because she was only sixteen. she hadn't even started living her life yet.
i just wish that people weren't so mean.
it's not fair.

i hate that i've just got a second complaint...for txting on the floor.
1. i NEVER txt whilst im serving a customer. ever.
2. yea, i txt while im on the floor...but so does everyone else.
3. im ashamed of this because i know i can do better.
4. dont have the decency to email out about this saying that it needs to be stopped. you should be training your staff correctly; your managers should be RUNNING the shift, not sitting in the office on facebook or sitting nextdoor chatting with friends. not to mention, you guys are the role models, im just following you.

I am sick and tired of being treated like shit at work. I really am. It's not the staff, it's the customers! I mean, just because I work at McDonald's doesn't mean that I'm a fucking 'tard like the stereotype portrays.
Yea, so what I dropped outta school. Seriously!! It doesn't mean I'm a dumbass. I know how the world works better than most of the people my age.

Getting a customer tell me that she'd fire me because of how I treated her. Um, excuse you, bitch. I stayed calm the whole time. Just because you're Maori and took what I said the wrong way, doesn't give you any reason to yell, "How dare you, are you serious, if you worked in my store, I would give you the sack".

For fuck sake!! I hadn't even served you! I served your son! Don't come back to me and expect me to recognize you as his mum! You were hardly in the foodcourt when he was served. Oh, did I mention, he was a good 25!! Yea, his fries were cold, but I thought perhaps you had walked over from mainstore and were trying to get fresh fries.

**Convo - almost exact**

"Hi, are you alright?" I asked this, there was a line of maybe 4 customers behind her.
"Yea, no I'm not alright, my fries are cold,"
"Sorry about that, but did I serve you? I don't recognize you,"
"No you didn't serve me,"
"Ok, you didn't purchase the fries over the road, did you?"
"Are you serious? How dare you! That is incredibly rude!"
"I'm sorry?"
"You're accusing me of walking across the road to get fresh fries!! HOW DARE YOU! WHAT"S YOUR NAME!?"
"My name is Aimee, feel free to complain about me if you want," By this time, I'm getting angry.
"MY SON JUST ORDERED THESE FRIES AND YOU GAVE HIM THEM COLD!"
"I'm sorry, but I don't see your son anywhere,"
*points to dude I served, like, 5 minutes earlier*
"Oh, ok, I'm sorry about that ma'am,"
"Sorry isn't good enough! If you worked in my store I would give you the sack, it's completely inappropriate!"
"Yes, I am sorry, I will replace those fries for you,"
"Would you like a refund for those,"
"Yes, that would be good,"
I give her the refund and she walks off, muttering under her breath. I serve the customers waiting behind her and they ask if I'm ok because I'm tearing up. And really mature, bitching to your family about me, yes, I did see you ALL staring at me.

I honestly believe that I had every right to ask her if she purchased the fries at the other store. If a person in a supermarket questioned someone they hadn't seen purchase the (for example) water they were holding, it would be allowed. They wouldn't get that shitty. You, my dear, made my day shit. I got in crap for it and it completely fucked up my customer service. I have proven that I am good with customer service (x3 PERFECT gapbusters!!), the fact I am a crew trainer must show that I have a little more responsibility around the store.

rah, rah, rah, rant fucking over!

YAY!

idk.

today is a nice day...

and i have to work...

fuck my life...

i just wanna rage...rage...rage!!!
ARGH MOTHERFUCKER!!!!
I WANT MONEY!! I DIDNT WANNA GIVE IT TO YOU, but because you helped me, i help you.
I WANT TO GET A NEW FUCKING PHONE!! I BREAK EVERYTHING I TOUCH!!
I WANT A CAR SO I DONT HAVE TO RELY ON BUSES THAT DONT GET ME TO WORK ON TIME AND SO THAT I DONT HAVE TO BE MADE TO WALK FROM THE WRONG BUS STOP WHEN ITS HAILING!!
I DONT LIKE BEING DOUBTED AT WORK!! I WENT HOME SICK!! GENUINELY SICK!! BUT I'VE BEEN WORKING MY ARSE OFF FOR YOU!!
I DONT WANT TO WORK WITH SOME DUMB BIMBO MANAGER WHO ISNT EVEN FROM MY STORE WHO WALKS OUT ON HER SHIFT OVER THREE TIMES FOR NEARLY 40 MINUTES AT A TIME!! I AM A CREW TRAINER!! NOT A MANAGER!! IT IS NOT MY RESPONSIBILITY TO RUN YOUR SHIFT WHEN YOU DECIDE YOU NEED TO GET FUCKING HIGH!!
I DONT LIKE BEING TREATED LIKE I HAVE NEVER WORKED A DAY IN MY LIFE AT MACCAS!! i PROVED THAT I KNOW WHAT I'M DOING!! YOU EVEN SAID YOU ROSTER ME FOR YOUR CLOSES BECAUSE I'M ONE OF THE BETTER CLOSERS!!
I DONT LIKE HOW YOU CALL IN SICK THREE DAYS OUT OF THREE AND GET A DR'S CERTIFICATE!! YOU SHOULDNT EVEN BE ALLOWED TO WORK!! I WISH YOU COULD GET FIRED YOU MOTHERFUCKER BASTARD!!
I WISH THAT YOU WOULD TXT ME PROPERLY. INSTEAD OF TRYING TO TURN EVERYTHING INTO ABOUT HOW YOU WOULD DUMB YOUR GF FOR ME. AND HOW YOU CONSTANTLY TRY SEXTING ME!! ITS NOT COOL DUDE. IM SICK OF IT!! YOU WONDER WHY I DONT REPLY TO YOUR TXTS ANYMORE!! AND DONT EVEN ASK IF YOU WANNA HOOK UP FOR A THING!!! WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU....





ON ANOTHER NOTE....holy shit motherfucker hot water pipes rattling while watching horror movies and then lights flicker holy shit holy shit..... D': home alone too....MOTHERFUCKER!!!!!!!!!D': come save me from the scary monster under my house!! :'( :'( fully tearing up like a baby right now D:

I'm sick of you taking credit for everything I do.
"Come shopping, I'll pay..." No, it was me.
"I took the rubbish out..." No, it was me.
"I exit moulded the bathroom and cleaned it..." No, it was me.
"I did the dishes..." No, you did not even half of them and I did some of the rest.


ARGH!!!!

I feel so stressed right now. I know you supported me, so I shouldn't complain, but now that everything is more expensive. It's so hard because I don't have set hours, so one week I might have 25 hours the next I might have 40.
It makes it even harder when you have $400 worth of bills to pay and $300 rent a week to pay which I have to cover.
I've been trying for months to save, but at least once a month, I have to pull all my savings out just because you've spent $140 on shopping, instead of $100, and want everything to be paid evenly.
It sucks. I need a new phone, I need new clothes, I want to go out, I want to get my restricted. But I can't if every few weeks my savings go back to zero.

I've just gone and worked six days this week so I can pay for everything because you only worked ten hours.

so applied for macca's at j'ville foodcourt today. fingers crossed.
i dont appreciate my restaurant manager calling me, in other words, fat in front of my coworkers. its rude, unnecessary, bullying...you name it. fuck working around you again.
slut.

i'm going to be her new baby? new training manager FTW!! management here i come!

I wanna go back to the days where I would wear shit loads of eyeliner and not care.

I wanna go back to the days where I could fit my skinny black jeans.

I wanna go back to the days where chucks didn't hurt my feet.

I wanna go back to the days where I wore band shirts.

I wanna go back to the days where I only listened to METAL.

I wanna go back to the days where I could sit for hours alone drawing.

I wanna go back to the days that I didn't give a shit.

I wanna go back to the days where I felt like me.

It was like you couldn't even get away from me fast enough this morning.
You blame being sick for your distance.
You don't even bother to tell me you get to Palmy safe until I text you first.
You tell me you're on lunch then you don't bother returning my messages.
You don't talk to me at all anymore.
You don't hug me.
You don't kiss me.
All you seem to do is push me further and further away.
If you don't want to be with me anymore, then tell me!!
DON'T LEAD ME ON!!

I hate how my life has no meaning. What am I here for? To serve fast food to a growing obese nation? Sounds fucking fulfilling! Ugh. I don't wanna study. I don't wanna work. I don't wanna do anything. Lazy as shit, I know. I want to be happy.

i hate the new blogger layout.

its dumb.

So I haven't blogged in a long while, but over that time it has given me time to think about everything. Instead of everyday, bitching and complaining on here about my life, I have actually taken the time to think. This thinking hasn't made me very happy and I think I've left it inside me too long.

I am sad and tired and I'm in general, not happy with my life. I work in a fast food joint, yeah, I've been promoted and really enjoy working there, but what am I actually doing with my life? Nothing. I'm too dumb and lazy to pursue anything. I would love to start getting myself into a proper job, I just don't know what I want to do.

My relationship has gone down hill tremendously. It doesn't even feel like we're together. I guess this is just me being selfish. I love her, but I think our time has come. I think I'm denying it because when she finds someone else, I don't want them to replace me as her best friend. I don't want her to do things with them that she would never do with me.

I'm selfish and I need to get a grip and move on properly.

I'm sick of not having any money at the end of the week for me. I'm maybe left with $10? And what does that get me? Nothing. It's not like I can even put it into my savings so that I can't touch it because sooner or later, I'm going to have to withdraw it because I don't have something that I need; ie: if I get called into work I mightn't have enough on my bus card.

It honestly sucks. I can't go out and do anything.

Yesterday was an ok day. I got a decent pay. I went out and saw a movie....and yeah, that was it. That is what my life is restricted to these days.

I can't even tell her my problems because she either doesn't listen or doesn't care. Her excuse being that she's heard it all before. Well, in my eyes she hasn't because I can't tell if she cares or not.

I feel like I wanna cry everyday and I'm scared of that. Me crying and getting upset leads to self harm and I made a pinkie promise to my mum that I wouldn't. And I don't wanna disappoint her when I've only just got back on decent terms with her.

Me being upset, I think, is the reason why I've been clumsy and in the wars. I know better than to fucking chop my finger. I know better than to kick shit around. I know fucking better that to pick up something hot.

I just want a friend to be there for me, but I don't really have any. Nor do I want any close.

I wish life were easier and fairer because I can't handle what it's throwing at me anymore. I really can't.

I started my crew trainer book! :D

Quite exciting really! :D

Payrise and promotion here I come! :D

Why did you have to lead me on for so long?

All you have done is cause me pain after pain after pain.

I'm sick of the heartache I feel because of you.

Why me?

Hahahaha....

...yeah right. Stop trying to please me. I know you're a liar.

Times like these I wish I was still a cadet.

I miss all my mates; I miss going sailing.

It's something I love and I wish I could do again.

Pity. They don't need any staff at the unit.

Sometimes I wish I could be fucked like a slut.

It's a quarter after one, and I'm all alone and I need you now.

I said I wouldn't call, but I lost all control and I need you now.

And I don't know how I can do without, I just need you now.

I read all my previous posts on this blog.
I was pathetic. Two months on and I couldn't be happier.
We've had our rough patches and we're still together.
You make me so happy.


14 months <3

Wedding Party - Katie, Me, Mum, Dad and Andrew

I dislike this photo because it's my dad, but how happy mum looks,
and how much I look like dad now.

The only photo I have seen of myself after I was born.
In my dad's, mother's arms.

:) The little birth tag that was on the cot I was in.

Newspaper clipping - Note: Tate/Randall as mum and dad didn't get
married till I was one and a half.

My christening - (L-R) Pauline, Sonia, Ange, Me, Andrew, Mum and Dad.

I thought I commented back on your blog, but obviously I only pushed Preview.  That sucks just a bit. I'm sorry I kept your sister from you. I should learn to share. It's a bit hard sometimes when she's the only friend I have. You guys I consider my second family. You guys took me in and gave me a roof over my head. I was like a stray cat.  I'm sorry :(

"When the girl you like thinks you're gay,"

"The girl I like knows I'm gay,"

                      "She likes you too,"

I've been thinking about it a lot lately and it has really been upsetting me. I don't know where else to vent but here. I don't want to mention it to her otherwise she'll probably zone out and not listen to me 'cause all my problems revolve around sex.

Well maybe that's just it.

The biggest regret in my life is losing my virginity to, what I'm going to call, the wrong guy. I regret it so bad. There was no relationship; there was no emotion. It was just a fuck. I honestly regret it so bad.

Girls have their little fairy tales; yeah, well part of mine was to lose it to a guy I loved. To lose it in the moment. Passion. Not horniness and lust. I feel disgusting thinking about it.

Maybe that's why I want to connect with her.  I love her; want to be with her; care about her. But there is nothing when we do. No connection, no passion, no kind of love whatsoever.

 It's what I want, but because she's been screwed over and isn't really attracted to me, she doesn't want it.

I have my ideas in my head. I just wish I could be with her properly. It would mean a lot to me.

I hope you read this...

My surgery is in a couple of days. I'm so scared.

I have never had an operation before. I don't know what to expect.

I'm overweight and I'm being operated on my tummy.

What are the risks.

I guess I'm scared because what if I never get to see you again.

What if?

I just wanna go in knowing you're there for me and come back out and see your face and know that I'm back.

I wish I could come home on the Tuesday. I wish I could spend time with you when I feel like I need you the most. 

You have no idea how much I depend on you. I'm not even going to be able to talk to you now. You'll be having your slutty sister staying. No doubt you'll bitch about me the whole night...

Oh well. I can't always have what I want...

Just as mum and you have proved.

I hope I die on the table.

http://www.chelsey.co.nz/love-and-sex/parenting-and-relationships/co-dependent-love-relationships 

I posted this link on my other blog, aiming it at your sister. But when I read into it further, I am like this too.

I've deluded myself into thinking I love you. Maybe I do, but I seem to care about you more than I do myself. I care too much about what you think. I don't do anything for myself because I feel guilty for doing so. 

But at the same time, I do, do some things for myself. But very seldom.

My mind is in pieces right now.

I wanna be Mr. Right.
I don't wanna be Mr. Right Now.

</3

Why do I waste my time on you?
You promise me something and then you have the decency to turn around and throw it back in my face. Do you know how much that hurts?
Yea, fuck you.

Why do I get the feeling that you're not going to be nearly as supportive as me when it come time to go to hospital?

I was there for you for every step of the way. I was there before you went in, when you came out and I never really left your side. I doubt you'll do the same with me. Yea, I'm having a more minor surgery than you, but that doesn't really make a difference. When I need you the most, you won't be there.

You were there for him....

Surgery on the 3rd of April.

Just to see if I have endometriosis.

If I don't, then they will have cut me open for no reason.

If I do, then they will fix me.

I guess I need a reason to back up my previous blog.

I reckon you slept with him when I said because:

1. He gave you the costumes. You said you showed him them.
2. You were actually alone.
3. You said he could finger you. If he got you off, then he could have sex with you. You fake having orgasms all the time.
4. He was a horny bastard at the time.
5. You wouldn't admit to breaking a promise to me.

I can't shake the image of you and him fucking.
It makes me feel disgusting.
I don't believe you when you say it was at the beginning of your relationship.
I think it was when you promised me you wouldn't....

I've never told anyone this until the other night, when I told you.

I keep up my walls when I meet people. I don't want people to

know about the fucked up workings in my head. I try to not care;

I don't seem to feel emotion. Only until you know me will you see what I feel.

One of my biggest wants.

I want one child. I want a daughter.

I would love for her and care for her and protect her like I never was.

I wouldn't wait nearly 8 years to have another child and then ignore her.

If I had a daughter, she would be the centre of my universe.

Specialist in 3 days.

Nervous.

No doubt they'll want blood tests.

Urine tests.

Pap smears.

Ugh. I hate people going down there.

Well, not all the time. Lol.

I hope there's nothing wrong with me.

*cries*

My posts are fucked up and depressing. 

When I get my bond money back, I think I'll go get the tattoo I've been contemplating for a while. I don't know where I'll get it though.

Or another piercing.

Piercings are great.

I'm horny.

I want sex.

But from the person I least expected.

I feel disgusting.

I want to fall in love with someone who will love me the same as I love you now.

I care about you so much, and yet, I'm still not good enough. I'm not protective enough.

I hurt thinking about it all.

I want you. I want you to be with me.

But I need to move on.

I want more from you than I have.

Yeah, it'll be weird not sharing a bed with you.

It'll be weird not being a female (or you, depends on who I'm next with).

I guess it just upsets me that we have been together for this long and you have been lying to both of us. It gave me false hope. And it sucks.

You lied to me about sleeping with him.
Even when I told you everything.

5 online depression tests later and apparently I am depressed.

Maybe I should speak to someone about it?

I am now cramping more than once every day. The pain lasting anywhere between 5 minutes to an hour. I feel sick all the time. I've finally stopped bleeding though. I guess that's a bonus.
I just want this pain to go away. I'm sick of it.

I can't stop thinking about you.
I know I need to move on, but as you said, we have such a complicated relationship.
Ha. Fuck its hard.

You're an ungrateful bitch.

I do try and keep the place clean. I keep trying but no, you come home after work and think that you're allowed to dump your shit everywhere and create a mess. Who was the one who was doing washing, who was the one who was doing dishes EVERYDAY, who was the one keeping the bedroom clean, who was the one walking down to Newlands to get rubbish bags, who was the one who's been doing the rubbish every week.

FUCKING I HAVE.

DON'T FUCKING TELL ME I DO NOTHING.

I've only stopped because you've made it too hard for me.

I'm not your slave. I don't have to do any of this, yet I have been.

Fuck you.

  I'm not supposed to love you,  

  I'm not supposed to care.  

  I'm not supposed to live my life,  

  Wishing you were there.  

  I'm not supposed to wonder where you are,  

  Or what you do.  

  I'm sorry I can't help myself,  

  Because I'm in love with you.  

-Anon

that is the most gorgeous photo ever. it gave me warm feelings just seeing it 

<3

Why would you wanna break a perfectly good heart?

Why would you wanna take our love and tear it all apart?

Now, why would you wanna make the very first scar?

Why would you wanna break a perfectly good heart?

Maybe I should've seen the sign

Should've read the writing on the wall

And realized by the distance in your eyes

That I would be the one to fall

No matter what you say, I still can?t believe

That you would walk away, it don?t make sense to me

But why would you wanna break a perfectly good heart?

Why would you wanna take our love and tear it all apart?

Now, why would you wanna make the very first scar?

It's not unbroken anymore

How do I get it back the way it was before?

Why would you wanna break a perfectly good heart?

Why would you wanna take our love and tear it all apart?

Now why would you wanna make the very first scar?

Why would you wanna break?

Why would you wanna break a?

Why would you wanna break a perfectly good heart?

Why would you wanna take our love and tear it all apart?

Now why would you wanna make the very first scar?

Why would you wanna break a perfectly good heart?

"You are the thunder and I am the lightening,

And I love the way you know who you are.

And to me it's exciting,

When you know it's meant to be,

Everything comes naturally."

He's not the most attractive, and he's different, but I'm sure I could get along well with him.
He had to apologise for his English because his internet browser doesn't spell check for him!! That's so cute!!

I want to hate you.

I want to forget you even exist.

I hate hearing the truths that I already knew about. 

I was dumb to delude myself into thinking they weren't real.

I asked if you'd stay with me if I was a guy, and you said probably.

I don't understand. I don't have a fucking dangly thing between my legs and that's why you don't love me the same.

It's a shit excuse. 

But it's ok. I need to move on eventually. 

I hurt so much. I have never felt this shit emotionally before.

I've never felt for anyone like this before and you tell me the harsh truth...that you've never felt in anyway towards me. Why did you have to lead me on. Why do you have to continue to lead me on. You're adamant you don't wanna leave me. But why not? Is it because you're happy or is it because you don't wanna hurt me? Because take it from me. I've been hurting for several weeks now...

You also said you don't want to keep deluding yourself into wanting to be with me forever. Well stop deluding and if you don't want to be with me, leave me! I don't understand.

You're causing me so much pain and I hate it. 

I hate waking up next to you because I never know when it will be the last time.

I hate hugging you, just because it is something I love and because I know that I have to get myslef out of the habit.

I hate kissing you just because you said you're not sexually attracted to me. It makes me feel disgusting. It makes me feel like I'm forcing you to kiss me...when I know I'm not.

I hate thinking about you because it reminds me that you're not going to be with me much longer.

I hate your voice because it's the one of the girl I have grown to love.

I hate you're eyes because you know how pretty I think they are. And if I am here for you forever, I'm going to hate to see your kids have your eyes but some fucked up mans face. That will tear me apart.

I hate that I even met you. If I didn't meet you, I would never have this problem. I wouldn't have a broken heart. I wouldn't be crying every other day because I don't know how much longer it'll be for us.

I hate who I am. I hate how I let myself be so ignorant and naive. I hate everything at the moment. I just want mummy cuddles. She's the only one I've really got anymore.

I don't have anyone but you.

But I'm losing you too :(

I can't even watch porn now. I watch a guy fucking a chick and my stomach sinks. It's cause I know that's what you really want. I feel disgusting. 

I'm dumb, but I was going through the computer looking at photos and I wanted to post a little 'montage' of them.

Such douche-bags :D

Guess who hadn't brushed their toothy pegs?

Hahaha. Not impressed :P

I was sad that night and you cuddled me and I was all better xox

Just one of those random shots :)

I know you hate this photo, but I think it's fucking awesome!

Snowing back at the old place. Probably the only time I'll get to kiss you during a snow fall <3

Our survival kit. Now with 2 plasters! And the space blanket for when we meet the aliens!

Hahahaha - Bath photos :D

Our relationship has pretty much come to an end.

You're telling me to make the most of it, but all I want to do is run away and forget all the times we've had. You made/make me happy, but I don't know how long it will take me to get over you.

I don't think I could stand you being with someone else. I know I should be happy for you, you're my best friend, but I'd be envious because they'd be getting what I want. What I've had.

I don't want  to lose you, but I think for now it's the only way we can still be friends.

I'm crazy for falling for you. But you've made me believe in love. You've made me a better person. You've always been there as a shoulder to cry on.

I never want to lose you.

I want you to be the one to fall asleep in my arms every night; I want you to be the one I wake up to in the morning; I want to be the one to look after you when you're sick.

I'm well aware that when the relationship ends, that I'm going to find it so hard. And I'm probably not going to want to see you. I'm probably not going to talk to you for a while. I'll cry myself to sleep every other night.

I want you to know that despite everything that will happen when the end comes, that I still love you. I still care for you the same. I'll still dream about you. I'll still need you. I'll still be there for you when someone else comes along and breaks your heart.

I'm your best friend. I will stay by your side no matter what.

I love you. xox

I'm not going to let you bring me down further than you have.
I'm not childish for talking to my mum about what happened.
Yea, she threatened the cops, so what? What you did was disgusting.
Don't you dare fucking txt me about how I've 'Grown up'.
I know when you're being sarcastic.

I'm going to try meet new people so I can get over you.

You're obviously not happy being with me.

I already have someone who has potential interest in me.

I'm sorry if you read this or find out through someone else.

But we both know I'm going to have to be the one to fall out of my infatuation with you.

I love you, I always will. But if I'm not the one for you, then I don't want to be holding on to nothing. I want to start my plan soon too. And if you have your own, then I shouldn't delude myself into thinking that you could be mine.

I wanna keep doing my driving. But I can't afford it.

One thing I wish I could do would be to go back and change the way I grew up. Change all the mistakes I made. But then I guess I wouldn't be the person I am now.


I've made so many mistakes in my life. The struggles I used to go through just to fix them have made me who I am. I guess this makes me a better person? And it gives me more experience, but I can't preach my fuck ups to others because they have to do what I did; learn from THEIR mistakes.


I guess that's why I hate you for rubbing it in my face when I told you what fuck-face did to me. I was sexually abused and all you could do is throw it back in my face by saying 'I told you so.' Do you know how unfair that is?


I've completely changed what I was talking about, but I need to rant. After what happened the other day, I have NO friends. At least you still have him. He texts you telling you he can't stop thinking about you. It's disgusting. I thought you had told him we were together?


Oh well.


I can't say much about our relationship anymore because there's a little snoop who has been passing everything onto your mum? I don't know, and I really don't care.

FUCK!! I JUST NEED SOMEONE TO RANT AND RAVE TO!!

I just want my mummy. 

I want her cuddles, and to tell me everything is going to be alright.

I wish I could go back and apologise to her for every wrong I made.

I want to go back and thank her for everything she has ever done for me.

I want her to know how much I love and respect her since I now understand what she has had to cope with.

I wish she could read this.

Oh well, I guess I need to come to the end of my rant or I'll start full on crying.

I just want to drink so I can forget everything. So I can feel free of everything.

I want to forget my unhappiness. I want to be happy. With you but I know you're not interested.

And it fucking sucks.