you say that you don't hate him anymore.
you're talking about him more.
you're falling for him again.

all i keep seeing is my friends getting pregnant and now some are even popping them out and it makes me sad. :( i don't like this. you're all the same age as me....and i'm just an infertile lesbian who wants one kid. i have to make up for this with getting a cat. and even then, the landlord still hasn't given us approval as to whether we're allowed one. i just wish my body and mind weren't so fucked. :(

recently there has been light on a suicide of a girl only a few years younger than me. she was bullied for showing her tits. i don't get it though. she was pretty. she was the kinda chick i'd envy, the one i wanted to be. but i guess, that would have been her way of covering up the fact that she was alone. that she needed a friend to hug her and tell her everything was going to be alright. but she didn't. she didn't have anyone, so she hung herself.
i feel awful for this girl. i understand what it's like to be bullied constantly. i know how it feels to not want to live. i know the pain of being alone when you feel like this. i understand it all. i didn't even know this girl, but i feel like i wish i could have been there for her when she was alone. this makes me value my life so much more.
i still get the urges to harm myself when i get upset. some days i just want to pop pills and drink in the hopes that i never wake up again. actually, they're not even urges. i feel like this day in day out. i'm not happy and i haven't been for a long time. but i don't want to be selfish. i want to live with the hopes that one day, maybe my life might turn out right. that maybe i'll be happy again. i feel sorry for this girl, because she was only sixteen. she hadn't even started living her life yet.
i just wish that people weren't so mean.
it's not fair.