Why do I get the feeling that you're not going to be nearly as supportive as me when it come time to go to hospital?

I was there for you for every step of the way. I was there before you went in, when you came out and I never really left your side. I doubt you'll do the same with me. Yea, I'm having a more minor surgery than you, but that doesn't really make a difference. When I need you the most, you won't be there.

You were there for him....

Surgery on the 3rd of April.

Just to see if I have endometriosis.

If I don't, then they will have cut me open for no reason.

If I do, then they will fix me.

I guess I need a reason to back up my previous blog.

I reckon you slept with him when I said because:

1. He gave you the costumes. You said you showed him them.
2. You were actually alone.
3. You said he could finger you. If he got you off, then he could have sex with you. You fake having orgasms all the time.
4. He was a horny bastard at the time.
5. You wouldn't admit to breaking a promise to me.

I can't shake the image of you and him fucking.
It makes me feel disgusting.
I don't believe you when you say it was at the beginning of your relationship.
I think it was when you promised me you wouldn't....

I've never told anyone this until the other night, when I told you.

I keep up my walls when I meet people. I don't want people to

know about the fucked up workings in my head. I try to not care;

I don't seem to feel emotion. Only until you know me will you see what I feel.

One of my biggest wants.

I want one child. I want a daughter.

I would love for her and care for her and protect her like I never was.

I wouldn't wait nearly 8 years to have another child and then ignore her.

If I had a daughter, she would be the centre of my universe.

Specialist in 3 days.

Nervous.

No doubt they'll want blood tests.

Urine tests.

Pap smears.

Ugh. I hate people going down there.

Well, not all the time. Lol.

I hope there's nothing wrong with me.

*cries*

My posts are fucked up and depressing. 

When I get my bond money back, I think I'll go get the tattoo I've been contemplating for a while. I don't know where I'll get it though.

Or another piercing.

Piercings are great.

I'm horny.

I want sex.

But from the person I least expected.

I feel disgusting.

I want to fall in love with someone who will love me the same as I love you now.

I care about you so much, and yet, I'm still not good enough. I'm not protective enough.

I hurt thinking about it all.

I want you. I want you to be with me.

But I need to move on.

I want more from you than I have.

Yeah, it'll be weird not sharing a bed with you.

It'll be weird not being a female (or you, depends on who I'm next with).

I guess it just upsets me that we have been together for this long and you have been lying to both of us. It gave me false hope. And it sucks.

You lied to me about sleeping with him.
Even when I told you everything.

5 online depression tests later and apparently I am depressed.

Maybe I should speak to someone about it?

I am now cramping more than once every day. The pain lasting anywhere between 5 minutes to an hour. I feel sick all the time. I've finally stopped bleeding though. I guess that's a bonus.
I just want this pain to go away. I'm sick of it.

I can't stop thinking about you.
I know I need to move on, but as you said, we have such a complicated relationship.
Ha. Fuck its hard.

You're an ungrateful bitch.

I do try and keep the place clean. I keep trying but no, you come home after work and think that you're allowed to dump your shit everywhere and create a mess. Who was the one who was doing washing, who was the one who was doing dishes EVERYDAY, who was the one keeping the bedroom clean, who was the one walking down to Newlands to get rubbish bags, who was the one who's been doing the rubbish every week.

FUCKING I HAVE.

DON'T FUCKING TELL ME I DO NOTHING.

I've only stopped because you've made it too hard for me.

I'm not your slave. I don't have to do any of this, yet I have been.

Fuck you.

  I'm not supposed to love you,  

  I'm not supposed to care.  

  I'm not supposed to live my life,  

  Wishing you were there.  

  I'm not supposed to wonder where you are,  

  Or what you do.  

  I'm sorry I can't help myself,  

  Because I'm in love with you.  

-Anon

that is the most gorgeous photo ever. it gave me warm feelings just seeing it 

<3

Why would you wanna break a perfectly good heart?

Why would you wanna take our love and tear it all apart?

Now, why would you wanna make the very first scar?

Why would you wanna break a perfectly good heart?

Maybe I should've seen the sign

Should've read the writing on the wall

And realized by the distance in your eyes

That I would be the one to fall

No matter what you say, I still can?t believe

That you would walk away, it don?t make sense to me

But why would you wanna break a perfectly good heart?

Why would you wanna take our love and tear it all apart?

Now, why would you wanna make the very first scar?

It's not unbroken anymore

How do I get it back the way it was before?

Why would you wanna break a perfectly good heart?

Why would you wanna take our love and tear it all apart?

Now why would you wanna make the very first scar?

Why would you wanna break?

Why would you wanna break a?

Why would you wanna break a perfectly good heart?

Why would you wanna take our love and tear it all apart?

Now why would you wanna make the very first scar?

Why would you wanna break a perfectly good heart?

"You are the thunder and I am the lightening,

And I love the way you know who you are.

And to me it's exciting,

When you know it's meant to be,

Everything comes naturally."

He's not the most attractive, and he's different, but I'm sure I could get along well with him.
He had to apologise for his English because his internet browser doesn't spell check for him!! That's so cute!!

I want to hate you.

I want to forget you even exist.

I hate hearing the truths that I already knew about. 

I was dumb to delude myself into thinking they weren't real.

I asked if you'd stay with me if I was a guy, and you said probably.

I don't understand. I don't have a fucking dangly thing between my legs and that's why you don't love me the same.

It's a shit excuse. 

But it's ok. I need to move on eventually. 

I hurt so much. I have never felt this shit emotionally before.

I've never felt for anyone like this before and you tell me the harsh truth...that you've never felt in anyway towards me. Why did you have to lead me on. Why do you have to continue to lead me on. You're adamant you don't wanna leave me. But why not? Is it because you're happy or is it because you don't wanna hurt me? Because take it from me. I've been hurting for several weeks now...

You also said you don't want to keep deluding yourself into wanting to be with me forever. Well stop deluding and if you don't want to be with me, leave me! I don't understand.

You're causing me so much pain and I hate it. 

I hate waking up next to you because I never know when it will be the last time.

I hate hugging you, just because it is something I love and because I know that I have to get myslef out of the habit.

I hate kissing you just because you said you're not sexually attracted to me. It makes me feel disgusting. It makes me feel like I'm forcing you to kiss me...when I know I'm not.

I hate thinking about you because it reminds me that you're not going to be with me much longer.

I hate your voice because it's the one of the girl I have grown to love.

I hate you're eyes because you know how pretty I think they are. And if I am here for you forever, I'm going to hate to see your kids have your eyes but some fucked up mans face. That will tear me apart.

I hate that I even met you. If I didn't meet you, I would never have this problem. I wouldn't have a broken heart. I wouldn't be crying every other day because I don't know how much longer it'll be for us.

I hate who I am. I hate how I let myself be so ignorant and naive. I hate everything at the moment. I just want mummy cuddles. She's the only one I've really got anymore.

I don't have anyone but you.

But I'm losing you too :(

I can't even watch porn now. I watch a guy fucking a chick and my stomach sinks. It's cause I know that's what you really want. I feel disgusting. 

I'm dumb, but I was going through the computer looking at photos and I wanted to post a little 'montage' of them.

Such douche-bags :D

Guess who hadn't brushed their toothy pegs?

Hahaha. Not impressed :P

I was sad that night and you cuddled me and I was all better xox

Just one of those random shots :)

I know you hate this photo, but I think it's fucking awesome!

Snowing back at the old place. Probably the only time I'll get to kiss you during a snow fall <3

Our survival kit. Now with 2 plasters! And the space blanket for when we meet the aliens!

Hahahaha - Bath photos :D

Our relationship has pretty much come to an end.

You're telling me to make the most of it, but all I want to do is run away and forget all the times we've had. You made/make me happy, but I don't know how long it will take me to get over you.

I don't think I could stand you being with someone else. I know I should be happy for you, you're my best friend, but I'd be envious because they'd be getting what I want. What I've had.

I don't want  to lose you, but I think for now it's the only way we can still be friends.

I'm crazy for falling for you. But you've made me believe in love. You've made me a better person. You've always been there as a shoulder to cry on.

I never want to lose you.

I want you to be the one to fall asleep in my arms every night; I want you to be the one I wake up to in the morning; I want to be the one to look after you when you're sick.

I'm well aware that when the relationship ends, that I'm going to find it so hard. And I'm probably not going to want to see you. I'm probably not going to talk to you for a while. I'll cry myself to sleep every other night.

I want you to know that despite everything that will happen when the end comes, that I still love you. I still care for you the same. I'll still dream about you. I'll still need you. I'll still be there for you when someone else comes along and breaks your heart.

I'm your best friend. I will stay by your side no matter what.

I love you. xox

I'm not going to let you bring me down further than you have.
I'm not childish for talking to my mum about what happened.
Yea, she threatened the cops, so what? What you did was disgusting.
Don't you dare fucking txt me about how I've 'Grown up'.
I know when you're being sarcastic.

I'm going to try meet new people so I can get over you.

You're obviously not happy being with me.

I already have someone who has potential interest in me.

I'm sorry if you read this or find out through someone else.

But we both know I'm going to have to be the one to fall out of my infatuation with you.

I love you, I always will. But if I'm not the one for you, then I don't want to be holding on to nothing. I want to start my plan soon too. And if you have your own, then I shouldn't delude myself into thinking that you could be mine.

I wanna keep doing my driving. But I can't afford it.

One thing I wish I could do would be to go back and change the way I grew up. Change all the mistakes I made. But then I guess I wouldn't be the person I am now.


I've made so many mistakes in my life. The struggles I used to go through just to fix them have made me who I am. I guess this makes me a better person? And it gives me more experience, but I can't preach my fuck ups to others because they have to do what I did; learn from THEIR mistakes.


I guess that's why I hate you for rubbing it in my face when I told you what fuck-face did to me. I was sexually abused and all you could do is throw it back in my face by saying 'I told you so.' Do you know how unfair that is?


I've completely changed what I was talking about, but I need to rant. After what happened the other day, I have NO friends. At least you still have him. He texts you telling you he can't stop thinking about you. It's disgusting. I thought you had told him we were together?


Oh well.


I can't say much about our relationship anymore because there's a little snoop who has been passing everything onto your mum? I don't know, and I really don't care.

FUCK!! I JUST NEED SOMEONE TO RANT AND RAVE TO!!

I just want my mummy. 

I want her cuddles, and to tell me everything is going to be alright.

I wish I could go back and apologise to her for every wrong I made.

I want to go back and thank her for everything she has ever done for me.

I want her to know how much I love and respect her since I now understand what she has had to cope with.

I wish she could read this.

Oh well, I guess I need to come to the end of my rant or I'll start full on crying.

I just want to drink so I can forget everything. So I can feel free of everything.

I want to forget my unhappiness. I want to be happy. With you but I know you're not interested.

And it fucking sucks.

Something feels strange and distant about you at the moment. My mind is screaming at me to let you go, but I just don't think that I could handle you moving on, inviting boys around. It would make me feel disgusting.

But it's your life, and you're allowed to live it the way you want. So maybe our goodbyes will come soon :(

I wish you could be mine forever, but it just feels like you're distancing yourself now.

I just wish I could have someone to love me like I loved them. It sucks not being loved back D:

I think today is stupid. Yeah, I'll make more of an effort to show my feelings, but if you really and truly loved the person, you would show them your love everyday.

Why should we make a big deal out of today? It's just another day.

Fuck you all.

ALL MY LOVE!!! <3

I know I didn't exactly help the situation, but how dare you put your hands on me like that. 

Specifically when I tell you no. I bit you and ground my teeth hard against your arms, and you still didn't let go. Fucking hell.

You hurt me. Violated me.

I thought you actually cared? Obviously not.

Your pin dick must be bigger that what we thought. You ARE the dick.

FUCKYOUCUNTFACEMOTHERFUCKINGRAPISTMAN!

I don't know who you think you are.
I don't know you're opinion. But I know from now on I won't be talking to you.
You told her.
I can't trust you.

I'm getting excited for lots of different things!

One: Ash, you'll agree. NIGHTLIFE!!

Two: Specialist soon. 5 month long period has ended.

Three: I just can't wait till Cait is home!! YAYAY

What I don't understand is that I'm not part of your plan right?
Shouldn't your plans change if you love someone?
You look past their flaws and you just love them for who they are?
In other words, when you say that I'm not part of your plan, I just expect you one day to drop me at the first sight of a guy who will take you; regardless of your feelings towards me.
I know I'm not ideal, but what if I make you happier than you are?
What if I could provide more than I do?
What if I make you feel like the princess you are?
Will you change your plans then?