So I haven't blogged in a long while, but over that time it has given me time to think about everything. Instead of everyday, bitching and complaining on here about my life, I have actually taken the time to think. This thinking hasn't made me very happy and I think I've left it inside me too long.

I am sad and tired and I'm in general, not happy with my life. I work in a fast food joint, yeah, I've been promoted and really enjoy working there, but what am I actually doing with my life? Nothing. I'm too dumb and lazy to pursue anything. I would love to start getting myself into a proper job, I just don't know what I want to do.

My relationship has gone down hill tremendously. It doesn't even feel like we're together. I guess this is just me being selfish. I love her, but I think our time has come. I think I'm denying it because when she finds someone else, I don't want them to replace me as her best friend. I don't want her to do things with them that she would never do with me.

I'm selfish and I need to get a grip and move on properly.

I'm sick of not having any money at the end of the week for me. I'm maybe left with $10? And what does that get me? Nothing. It's not like I can even put it into my savings so that I can't touch it because sooner or later, I'm going to have to withdraw it because I don't have something that I need; ie: if I get called into work I mightn't have enough on my bus card.

It honestly sucks. I can't go out and do anything.

Yesterday was an ok day. I got a decent pay. I went out and saw a movie....and yeah, that was it. That is what my life is restricted to these days.

I can't even tell her my problems because she either doesn't listen or doesn't care. Her excuse being that she's heard it all before. Well, in my eyes she hasn't because I can't tell if she cares or not.

I feel like I wanna cry everyday and I'm scared of that. Me crying and getting upset leads to self harm and I made a pinkie promise to my mum that I wouldn't. And I don't wanna disappoint her when I've only just got back on decent terms with her.

Me being upset, I think, is the reason why I've been clumsy and in the wars. I know better than to fucking chop my finger. I know better than to kick shit around. I know fucking better that to pick up something hot.

I just want a friend to be there for me, but I don't really have any. Nor do I want any close.

I wish life were easier and fairer because I can't handle what it's throwing at me anymore. I really can't.